"Good music is the distillate of a free and creative life" - Deepti Navaratna

My family folks were gourmands of literature, Kannada and food! Music was in this mix, as one of life's most beautiful bounties. None in my family were professional musicians, and I believe that has been the biggest determinant in my musical choices throughout life. My schooling at Pratibha Bala Mandira, now re-named Pratibha Academy, was a place where we were allowed to explore the finer side - without the pressure cooker experience of 'marks and scores'. There was a great song and dance for all things that would allow us to engage and experience the arts with an open and welcoming mindset. I was on no assembly line to become a musician. Instead, I immersed myself in an alchemy of rangoli, elocution, dance and theatre. I learnt basketweaving, painting and embroidery - the foundations of a free-wheeling creative life was laid here.

The AIR National music competitions and winning them not once but twice in the categories of Carnatic devotional music and light classical music - woke me up to the reality that my music could speak on a national level. Two years later, I got upgraded to an A-grade in light classical music at 19 years - which was a matter of great pride to me, my parents and AIR Bengaluru! At the AIR National Awards ceremony, noted musician Shri. Nookala Chinna Sathyanarayana ji, made me stay back after my performance and told me that I had a special gift, straight from Sharada! He said I was unaware of it myself! When he praised me, it felt incredible, and I mean it, it was as if he saw something in me - which I hadnt fully cognized. The AIR competitions taught me a lot about planning and strategizing performance, recording and time-proportioning for concerts ahead. It added the 'where on earth am I musically - type of view'.  I still wasn't on the 'Carnatic Assembly Line' for kutcheri and thankfully was not sad for it either!

Ph.D dreams took me to the USA and to the arid deserts of New Mexico, where many new worlds of music opened up for me. Simultaneously,  the Carnatic music world in India, went far far away from me. This world, gave me an opportunity to re-cognize my music all over again. The world of world music was opened  up to me - the fascinating swara kalpanas of the Qawwals, the chamber music ensembles, opera and the works. I looked at Carnatic music outside-in and saw the beauties of my music in a new light. During my Ph.D stint, I also offered a Graduate level Ethnomusciology course on Music of India. It was a way to staying connected with my music; it opened the doors to the fascinating worlds of Ethnomusicology. I seriously contemplated a second Ph.D in Ethnomusicology after my Ph.D in Neurobiology for a very long time. I wrote to the who-is-who of that world explaining my predicament of wanting to be a scientist-musician! Meanwhile, the world of music kept on throwing many musical encounters at me:  from Jazz ensembles, opera productions such as The Bandit Queen with Dr. Shirish Korde, collaborations and a CD with Boston Musica Viva. Singing at Native American gatherings to retention centres, I was testing out the world with a song on my lips. It was as if the musical world of Sharada was spinning many mayas to keep music alive in me.

At Harvard, I nursed dreams of enrolling into a Ph.D programme in music. I wanted to be a student - explore musics of the world, be 'high' on music all the time. In 2015, after nearly 8 years at Cambridge, I crossed over the Charles and started a Master's degree in Contemporary Improvosation at the New England Conservatory. When I applied to the Conservatory, I composed look-alike Chitteswaras to Lalgudi Jayaraman's Varnam "Chalamu Seya' in Valaji Raaga. Peter Row, a veteran Sitar player and teacher at New England Conservatory met me later after my audition and said: 'you my dear, will rock the world'. Well, the NEC era certainly rocked my world. Many self-discoveries came my way, horrifying inability to work with Clef notation and piano keys! Simple melodies like Hot Cross Buns, took forever, I could not hear harmonic progressions as my ear was obsessed with 'main line'. Cycle of fifths were useless for my operationalizing mind and interval training was not enjoyable! However, I cried to Jewish tunes, sang Gospel in abandon, cringed at free jazz and 'hated' atonal music.  Like all true learning journeys, my education at NEC transformed my inner perception of Carnatic music, Indian music and my inner music.

A chance encounter back in Bengaluru led to an offer to be the Director of Indira Gandhi National Centre for the Arts back In Bengaluru. For someone who never thought of returning to Bengaluru, the decision was almost instantaneous. Back in Bengaluru, I saw how music has many many confluences with history, art, politics, geopolitics and culture as whole. This influenced my perspectives on music beyond recognition. Although it was a period where I did not produce much music, my music transformed in silence. I developed a love for writing and music research like never before. My daily interactions with artists taught me a lot about what a life in music could and should not be.  Culture in India is seen only as an expression of creative people. It is not seen as much as creative economy, public policy catalyst or even a means for diplomacy. Most importantly, I understood the importance of letting your artist be free of your own cerebral traps. To live free musically required me to connect with the little girl who sang and danced freely in primary school. Only that girl knew the very purpose of singing - joy. A primal joy of producing sound and expressing the sublime self.

Towards the fag end of my stint at Indira Gandhi National Centre for the Arts, I was consumed by the music of His Highness Maharaja of Mysore, Jayachamarajendra Wadiyar. I began studying his compositions and it made me wonder about his king-size life. A life that was free to explore intersections of music, statesmanship, photography and wildlife. Seemingly disconnected things which found connection only in his mind. Voila! I had found a psychological role-model for my life with music. I was not a one-trick pony and that was my nature.  I realized this is the only way to live with music. I could not envision a life where music sang in isolation - devoid of a much larger frame of a creative life. One cannot sing like a Raja without being on the Raja marga!  I would have mine.. and un-apologetically. This aha-feelings also strangely came with a strong relinquishing of the sense of agency I never felt before. For long, the question of 'Who am I?' needed to be answered in concrete terms of 'I am a neuroscientist' or "I am a musician trapped in a scientist's cortex'. Suddenly, the question seemed irrelevant, I simply surrendered to 'her will', if she wanted me to sing, she would make it happen, if she came to me as words for a book, I would be the channel. Soon, it did not matter if it was about neurons or neraval, it felt good.