That said, I have always pondered on why I seem to have a hard time convincing myself that I deserve happiness. That I truly deserve mileage from life. I feel the idea of ‘deserving something’ is a product of culture. The culture of guilt and shame in Indian societies - since I was raised in one, I can vouch for it. It is important to understand where this might be coming from to breakfree of its limiting beliefs, and also to consolidate on its gifts. Most Indian societies exert control by creating socially desirable qualities in its individuals. The ascribed qualities are customised to sustain a working culture. Social control is imposed by guilt, shame, do-or-be-doomed ideologies, self-denial, imagery of humility and moderation. In short, we are glass-house blooms. Or p(b)umpkins in a bottle. It is important to note that our identities are created around these paradigms. For example, I hear most Indian women exclaim that no matter what they do, they dont feel complete until they have had a kid. The word there to look for is - ‘until’ and ‘complete’. Motherhood is a life-changing and self-enlarging experience and I am sure it changes everything for a woman. But it need not be ‘the’ only thing or the ‘best’ thing. I would infact feel absolutely pathetic if I were to be with a child and with no professional and personal joy in my life. Believe me, there are no spillovers at that level. Also, a woman who plans not to have kids, adopt a kid or post-pone child bearing goes through a series of guilt, peer pressure, shame, isolation for her choices in such settings. Same with marriage. As a girl, I was told marriage is a gateway to gratification. On the contrary, I find that it is not a gateway to anything. It can be an anchor, a spring board to your personal journeys. But your happiness is still your construct. You have to do it yourself. And, I am supposed to feel guilty for being so non-homely in my thoughts! By placing the cheese in such spots, the society constructs identities around it and anomalies are thrashed with guilt. Our mothers were told that the kitchen was it. Now, it is ok to put some food on the table, as long as your wallet is full. But many women still suffer from guilt/shame of not doing justice to either domains. Of being an inadequate wife, mother, daughter and such.

As a culture, our gratification models are people-oriented, family oriented. We are taught to be happy if and only if we have conducted ourselves in a way that kept our families happy. We come from worlds where societies, that were originally formed with the idea of augmenting the individual have turned into large hegemonistic structures. The individual finds it hard to assert that collective responsibility is not all. In turn, the society offers a safe haven to its citizens. Verified trails to satisfaction and no-risk bargains with life. That is where the seal lies. Or the ceiling lies. It takes some introspection to realise that one need not live in isolation to get away, nor challenge everything- if you can optimise its presence in your life. Like with anything in life, it can be a boon or a bane- depending on how you use it.

In short it is ok too, that we live with internalized programs that question that aberrant dream. Dont kill it without a hearing. It might be possible to have the cake and eat it too, with some things in life. A time to nest, a time to fly, a time to home and a time to flee. Buddha was right afterall. Atleast Herman Hesse was.

Photo courtesy: Nalini Shenoy

“The greatest analgesic, soporific, stimulant, tranquilizer, narcotic, and to some extent even antibiotic — in short, the closest thing to a genuine panacea — known to medical science is work.”

-Thomas Szasz

“We work to become, not to acquire.”

- Elbert Hubbard

“The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.”
- Arnold J. Toybee

“You are the best lover that I have had ” she said thoughtfully. “You are stronger than others, more supple, more willing. You have learned my art well, Siddharta. Some day when I am older, I will have a child by you. And yet, my dear, you have remained a Samana. You do not really love me - you love nobody. Is that not true?”

“Maybe” said Siddharta wearily. “I am like you. You cannot love either, otherwise how could you practise love as an art? Perhaps, people like us cannot love. Ordinary people can - that is their secret”

An excerpt from Siddharta by Herman Hesse. A conversation between Kamala, the prostitute and Siddharta, the seeker.